I don’t know what my problem is but I’m just not fun anymore. I used to want to go out for drinks, go dancing, let me hair doen, get my whoooooo out. You know, WHOOO HOOO!
Instead, everyday I feel and experience the intense preciousness of life. I feel like I’m living in the Pearl Jam song “Sirens.”
“It’s a fragile thing, this life we lead.
If I think too much I can get overwhelmed by the grace
By which we live our lives with death over our shoulder.”
Is this a characteristic of getting older? Feeling that life is so tenuous and precious? I suspect a lot of it results from my life last year, but even now, I am surrounded be people who are dueling with life and death. Losing parents, losing pets.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get back the foolishness of living life like there’s no end. I suspect now that I’ve danced too close to death there’s no going back to being that naive. But sometimes I wish for it, I truly do.
I guess the point is to focus on the grace, like Eddie says. Sounds so fucking cliche but every single day on this earth is a gift. It truly is. Every single hug from our kids, every single smile, every giggle shared. At the end of it all it is these things I will remember.
So I suppose maybe it’s okay not to be focused so much on the fun right now, but instead be soaking up each minute as my family gets older. Instead of soaking myself in cocktails, I’m soaking myself in them and I guess that’s okay by me.