Death is breathing over my shoulder and he’s got halitosis

First of all, I do not have a sad, melancholy life.

I am generally a happy person and in fact usually quite giddy about life. I’ve been told by previous managers that I laugh and smile altogether too much and they are “important people” so they must know what they are saying. Also, I am healthy and have a great life in general (with the exception of the wacky bad events of this year).

So it is with some discomfort and a little bit of WTF that I feel like I am living in one of those movies where everything that can possibly go wrong is visualized in my head.

I am fairly certain that most people do not live this way.

You might see a kid crossing the street… I see how one careless driver making a wrong turn could make him fly through the air leaving his shoes behind.

Others see a dog on a leash… I see that leash having a manufacturing defect that allows the dog to break free and run into traffic.

You see a lovely tree to park under… I see how that big heavy branch with a little bit of dead leaves on it could suddenly heave its weight on top of my head.

It generally sucks to feel like death is breathing over your shoulder. I do NOT recommend it because the grim reaper eats pain and suffering for a living and needs some serious mouthwash.

SO how do I get back to that lovely state of oblivious happiness I had before? And better question still, can I?

My psychologist friends tell me trauma takes a while to get over. I am assuming I will also need a really long stretch of nothing going wrong to start to have faith in the general safety and goodness in life. I seriously hope that can happen.

I am worried that this state is the new normal. Maybe when you reach your 40s on top of everything sliding south (my face, my boobs… okay, my thighs too) you also encounter more in life that is tragically sad. Parents start to get sick, maybe they pass away. Pets that were babies when we were young are aging with us as well. Our kids grow up and start to take reckless and possibly life-threatening risks (not that this is happening… YET).

Oh, to go back to the delightful oblivion of no drama. Or where the only drama was whether or not my kid slept through the night or if they had a starring role in their first grade play.

Bottom line: I can’t undo what’s happened and I cannot un-see what I’ve seen. I just have to continue throwing good visuals in my head on top of the bad and hope eventually they out-weigh the bad.

Here’s my list of ideas (for October) to get death to back the hell off:

  • Celebrate Halloween. Ironic that a holiday that’s generally “dark” can make me so happy. Consider decorating (which could be epic) and definitely incorporate costumes.
  • Cook some Fall deliciousness. Pumpkin dessert anythings and chili cornbread loveliness. Whip that shit up pronto.
  • Watch my Fall favorites. I don’t know about you, but nothing makes me happier than watching the Harry Potter movies in the Fall. Throw in some Jane Austen films and I’m in heaven. Pride and Prejudice marathon… who’s with me!?
  • Gratefulness board. I want to get a lovely framed chalkboard situation and put a daily “what am I grateful for” message on it.

Do you have any other ideas? I’d love to hear them. As always, thanks for listening to my ramblingness.


One thought on “Death is breathing over my shoulder and he’s got halitosis

  1. Fall represents the end of one journey…and the beginning of another~ All your suggestions are absolutely perfect for fall fun, healing, and inner happiness…love you lots, Lib!

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